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26 June 2011

It's Time to Ban Opposite-Sex Marriages

The State of New York on Friday became the sixth state in the Union to legally permit same-sex couples to marry and enjoy the same rights afforded straight married couples. And then, moments later, the Christian right went on the offensive — this gay marriage nonsense was really going to lead to the end of the institution of marriage as we know it, they screamed from their praying knees. 

From Catholic bishops and cardinals to evangelical so-called preachers, the right's message was unified and clear about the sanctity of marriage being over. 

So this led me to think about a counter-attack to the right. 

Why not begin a movement to ban opposite-sex marriage? After all, it has been an institution since the beginning of time. And let's face it — it hasn't, especially of late, been all that successful, has it?

Log on to the websites of either the NY Daily News or the NY Post and chances are, you'll find some breed of celebrity divorcing. Think about all those other marriages that reeked of infidelity — like The Clintons, The Weiners, The Gingriches (times two), The Larry Craigs, The McCourts (LA Dodgers), The Terminators (Arnold and Maria). 

You get the idea.

Bishop Nicholas Demarzio, of the Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn, took to the NY Daily News today to remind us — again — about the death of that institution. How the hell many times do we have to be reminded of this? 

And really, can't you just see what will happen in a month, when the law takes effect, and the first LGBT couple ties the knot? 

If you're straight and married, you better watch out! Because as soon as the officiator says "I now pronounce you partners for life," to that first couple, your marriage will, in effect, be over. You'll never be able to go to the grocery store again with all those gay couples shopping. You'll never be able to go to the City again with all those happily married gay and lesbian people wearing rings signifying their love for each other — and heaven forbid, catch of glimpse of them with their adopted or surrogate child. 

You'll never be able to pass City Hall without being struck by illness, because the mayor, inside, might just be performing a same-sex wedding.

You'll never be able to get a DJ again for your anniversary party, because that same DJ may have played at a same-sex wedding.

You see how this is going to destroy your opposite-sex marriage?

If you have kids, they'll be scarred for life and will likely turn gay, because as we all know, when kids see gay people, they all want to be gay, too — like, instantly. 


So here's my solution. 

Let's end opposite-sex marriage once and for all. The hell these marriages are going to go through now that gays and lesbians can wed will just be intolerable. No straight couple should ever have to suffer that way because two women or two men can marry. And all those on the right would never have to worry about the sanctity of marriage being destroyed ever again, because marriage, as we know it now, won't exist. 

How brilliant an idea is this?

Think about it. Doesn't it make all the sense in the world?


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